Tag Archives: talking to yourself

Knowing

I was reading this post Don’t be so hard on yourself, and I started to think about myself. The last past two weeks I have been hard on myself for not knowing. Not knowing how to deal with different situations, not knowing how to act and respond to some cases ,and what is worse not knowing how to interact with my friends or other people. This sense of not knowing is so elusive or very devastating that it is overlapping me from the inside out. This overriding sense is torturing, confusing, and disturbing me. I am being hard on myself to be overridden by such negativity, blaming but myself, is it fair ? I know not … but every time it happens I only put myself to bed and swim into the tide of oblivion.

sand

 

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A Midnight Page

I am not going to get  through any over-thinking, I am just going to punch the buttons, hopping that what is deep down this narrow-minded heart come to the surface. I wish  I can get some of that drug that they give to the enemy in order to push him confess all the secrets and plans.

this narrow-minded silence, this me that I want to get rid of , this awful and irritating and self-distracting emotions, this repressing and repressed inclinations.

Man are disposed to accept other Man and live under one sky and follow the law and live to accept each other differences and learn to respect those differences,so, that we can live equal, so that we don’t repress each other’s beliefs or liberty or freedom or thoughts or lives or inclinations or ………and we put the system and we break it and we repent and we forget and then we repeat … for we are absurd and we are in love with this absurdity

and yet I can only find my self in this poet’s shoes and saying

”  Je suis comme le roi d’un pays pluvieux,
Riche, mais impuissant, jeune et pourtant très vieux,”

by Charles Baudelaire 

“I’m like the king of a rainy country,
Rich but helpless, young, and yet very old, “

I am afraid to tell you  that I do think about what I am writing and saying , for I am not at all an experienced writing figure. Yet, I am struggling myself to put what is on the heart and mind in this honest computerized handwriting. I want to share all this words and what is beneath for particular reasons

  1. Because I fell, I am keeping too much for myself.
  2. When I would like to be open and share I fell that what I am  saying is ridiculous or “more real than true”
  3.  Because I don’t want to blame myself every time
  4. so that I  free myself
  5. Because what I am keeping is preventing me from enjoying my time, activities, and hobbies

 

I am intended to write about myself and what comes before about Men accepting Men come from the nowhere or maybe it is just there!

I am not a sharing, or a writing or a loving or a responsible or a note worthy figure. I have to admit that

I am thinking sometimes to go to a shrink or someone specialized in the process of talking and sharing, hopping to get rid of this inclinations and thoughts with a more practical ways

I have just started to make my first two steps on the path of this life, and yet I am just horrified by this enormous fear from this walk of two steps

 

I am not a talking person

I am too shy sometimes

I am too sensitive in other times

I don’t get a long very easy with the people who  I’ve just meet

I think too much before I speak and when I speak I always embarrass myself because I don’t put words that express exactly what I mean

I am a straightforward person or a too straightforward person that I reject and feel bad by what all people start to accept as normal or usual

 

I don’t know if I should publish this post or not, but what I do want is that this post should be read as a Morning Pages ,but, written somewhere between midnight and maybe 3:00 am.

 

Well after putting all this words together to formulate this modest post I hope you like it or enjoy reading it, for  it has given me some help.